


heart set free, a circuit of consciousness

by unwindmyself



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Coda, F/F, Gen, Introspection, Letters, Queer Gen, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-05-28 13:36:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6331279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unwindmyself/pseuds/unwindmyself
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein Jemma takes up her therapeutic habit of unsent letters once again, this time addressed to Bobbi after she goes on the run.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you were the perfect star but it's not enough, it's not enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post 3.13.

Bobbi,

I hate the word goodbye. I think it’s important that I start by saying that, because I do. Goodbye is final.

_“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”_

I haven’t read _Peter Pan_ since I was a child, but that… that’s always stuck with me. After everything that’s happened these last couple of years I want to scrawl it on my skin in permanent ink. It’s funny that one of the only truisms I know anymore comes from a fairy story, but that’s beside the point.

I understand why you did all that you did. I don’t know that there was a different viable choice. I know it was for his own good, for yours, for all of ours. I think you’re one of the bravest, strongest people I know and I understand, but god, Bobbi, I’m going to miss you so much. It’s easier to say this all on paper, so I’m going to say it and just - I know that I’m going to be able to give this to you someday, and if I don’t then I’ll make sure Daisy gets it to you because I want you to know this (if I’d been able to get a hold of myself I might have tried to tuck this in your things before Coulson sent them out, but in the end I’m glad I couldn’t - I wouldn’t want to have stirred up anything when you’re trying to get a move on with fresh starts), so I’d rather I say everything here and coherent than the utter nonsense that I usually end up babbling at you when I try to talk about feelings.

You’re one of the only people who’s been in my corner these last - god, it hasn’t even been two years since we met, it feels like a lifetime. Even when we were on opposite teams, you still believed in me, I think, as a person. You understood why I was making the choices I was making just like I, now, in retrospect, understand the ones you were making, and in the end it didn’t really make a dent in whatever it is that’s always been going on with us. I know you don’t like definition in that way, so I won’t try. It’s complicated, anyway. But there’s always been _something_ , even back when we were undercover and all it was was my wide-eyed fear and awe, then my being utterly starstruck.

“I like you.” Well, that wound up being one of the great understatements of the decade, didn’t it? All brilliant and powerful and gorgeous and funny as you are, with your ready comebacks and the way you look after all of us even though I don’t think you’d see it that way, with the way you’re really a much better listener than I think you realize. You’ve been there to listen to me when nobody else has, when things were so fraught with Fitz and when Daisy was caught up in one important thing or another (I understand that, too, I don’t mean that like I hold it against her, it’s just a fact), you’ve always been there to talk with me. You listen to me and when I feel low you try to help, and god, you’re the kind of terrifying popular girl I’d have been so intimidated by as a child but you still have always wanted to know me, to be whatever you are to me.

I’m glad that you’re whole. I’m glad that you’re good. I’m glad that you’re not alone (I hope he continues to be amenable and doesn’t try to pick fights, that he stays in a good mood, I want you to be happy). I’m not sure _how_ but I know that it’s not goodbye. I have to think that, because I can’t bear the thought of saying goodbye to you. I can’t bear the thought of not getting to properly let you know how incredible I think you are, to tell you to your face and not through a pub waitress that I admire you. You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known or even known _of_ \- I think you’re every bit as much a badass as Peggy Carter. And I fully intend to tell you this. Sooner rather than later, preferably.

I don’t know how but it will work out. It’s got to. I think we’re both due a bit of luck as things like this go, anyway.

Please be safe wherever you end up. I know that’s difficult, and I know that you can take care of yourself, but I’ll sleep better knowing you’ll at least try. And I would never ask you to think of us if it’s going to make you sad, but I hope sometimes you see _Harry Potter_ merchandise or pink lace lingerie or health snacks or leather jackets and you think of us fondly, all right? Please don’t forget us. Don’t forget me.

I’ll try to keep being someone that would make you proud in the meantime.

J.


	2. did you see another lifetime where I was not a part so far entwined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post 3.14.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for, well, Jemma's guilt complex verging on suicidal ideation.

Bobbi,

Some days it feels like we’re fighting a losing battle. Like opponents are going to just keep popping up right and left, like no matter what we do there’s still going to be someone who wants to undo it. I’m sure you know what I mean.

That’s one of the hardest things, I think. You usually know what I mean, but you’re not here to talk to. Fitz and I are still so tenuous, talking about work more than anything else, and that’s perhaps the best thing right now. Daisy understands me, of course, but - she and I, we come from different places sometimes, different ways of processing, and so it’s not quite like how it is with you sometimes. Besides that, she’s so busy with everything, she doesn’t have time to dally around the lab listening to me prattle on. I don’t mean it against her! You know that. You know that I admire her and what she’s doing. But I miss our talks already. Filling the lab up with concerns and advice and reassurance.

May asked me to help her find Andrew - Lash - whoever he is. She caught me at the shooting range (I’ll never be a badass, but at least maybe I’ll be able to protect myself better, not rely on others to drag me out of whatever disaster I stumble into) and it came spilling out, some of the anxiety I’ve been carrying around. That I blame myself, not just for Will or for Fitz but for letting Lash slaughter all those… because I do. I made a hard call, but it wasn’t for any noble reason. It was because I let myself think that there was still enough of the man we knew, that I could trust, in him and I took the easy way. It’s the oddest thing, really. There are times I feel like I should have died, that if that had happened so much would be avoided. That if I wasn’t here it’d be one less problem for everyone. I probably should have died at least five times by now, and every time I don’t, something else horrible happens instead, and looking back, I’d always rather the opposite, but I still keep doing these cowardly things to save myself, too. Like I can’t avoid it. Maybe I’d be missed. Probably I’d be missed. But - sometimes I still think it’d be better? (This is another thing I can’t really say to anyone else. Even when I discuss my guilt with May, she’s hell bent on telling me it’s not my fault. I guess I believe her, but it still doesn’t change how I feel, if that makes sense? It helps, though. And I couldn’t say anything so fatalistic to Fitz or Daisy. It would just make them too sad.)

I told her about the vaccine - the one that could help Andrew, perhaps. Daisy gets mad when that gets brought up, and I understand why - in the wrong hands, that could be lethal. So many Inhumans are just like her, or Joey or Elena or Lincoln - they’re just good people trying to do the right thing. But in Andrew’s case… Lash isn’t Andrew, Lash is something else sharing space with Andrew, and if Andrew didn’t want that - it would be like medication for managing mental illnesses, if he chose, perhaps. In theory. May told me not to give her hope, and maybe I shouldn’t do, maybe I’m just trying to help Andrew to make myself stop feeling so horrible, but if I can’t help anyone what use am I? I have to at least try to do _something_.

God, nobody can prepare someone for this, can they? I think that’s the other thing I miss so much about our conversations: you have years of unbelievable stories under your belt, you’re good at making things seem a little less confusing.

I hope you’re having a nice time wherever you are, doing whatever you’re doing. I hope it’s a little bit like a vacation, a proper one, because god knows you deserve it. Miss you.

J.


	3. warriors are both time and patience but you and I are worlds apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-3.15/mid-3.16.

Bobbi,

Coulson killed Ward and then the monster took Ward’s body over, so he’s back now. _I don’t know how Coulson and Fitz only just figured this out, because the monster would have had to come through the same portal which was only very briefly open and it’s making me a bit insane_. Working it out, how logically - I don’t know if there _is_ a logical answer - I don’t feel right about any of this. And Daisy’s worrying and working (we met an Inhuman that could transmit prescient visions of death through touch, it was a whole fiasco) and May, I don’t want to bother her because things with Andrew have gone to hell, and I don’t want to upset Fitz because I know he doesn’t want to talk about the planet because of what he had to do to Will’s body and

God, Bobbi, why aren’t you here to talk to? I mean, I know why, and I don’t hold it against you, but I… I need you. I’ve said it. I do. I need to talk to you and bounce ideas and also hear that I’m not horrible, possibly, because I feel horrible, it’s my own damn fault that any of this is happening because if I hadn’t got up there and everyone hadn’t brought me back Hydra would never have known that could happen and they wouldn’t have sent Ward up there like a _sacrifice_ to become their new godboy and all of this would just have been avoided if everyone had just forgotten about me and I’d have been sad but it’s better that I’d have been sad than everyone else on the team, _in the world_ , being sad, and the monster would have just stayed put. Except also I need you because you’d have yelled at me for talking about myself so badly and like it or not I’m here now and this is the situation now, so I shouldn’t dwell, I should try to just suck it up and help because that’s all I can do, but it’s not easy to do that either. I miss you telling me I’m all right. I miss that sneaky little smile you smile at me sometimes, like we have a secret. Like you believe in me. Daisy believes in me but it’s so hard because Daisy, she’s so busy with her superhero things that I don’t want to bother her (she’d tell me I’m not a bother but I still would be and that would be even worse, and she’s right there but sometimes I miss her as much as I miss you, isn’t that silly?) and I don’t like asking May for validation and sometimes I’m not sure if Fitz believes in _me_ or if he still sees me as something that he needs to protect and… I miss you. That’s what I’m saying. I miss you a lot and I wish you were here to help us figure the monster out.

We’re calling the monster _it_ now, I suppose. Researching _it_ , trying to figure out what _it_ wants. I don’t know if I like this. It feels a bit too You-Know-Who to me. The monster is a monster, and they take over bodies and know things and do things and it’s all so _horrible_ and I don’t think I can articulate to anyone else properly how horrible it is? I probably haven’t done a good job articulating to you, either, but at least you’d listen. It’s horrible. Everything is horrible. The monster is devouring the flesh off of bodies and leaving bloody burned-looking skeletons. The monster is orchestrating terrible Hydra machinations. The monster is horrible and doing horrible things and I’ve got to stop them because their being here is my fault and I don’t know how I’m going to do that but I have to try.

As much as I wish you were here to help I’m glad you’re not. You don’t deserve this.

J.


	4. I never asked to know, never planned, till it was swept out of my hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-3.17.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note on the nature of the canon divergence: if it were not already clear, these letters take place in the same quasi-AU as the [follow you down the rabbit hole](http://archiveofourown.org/series/75997) series, where everything in canon is true, except  
> -Daisy and Jemma are longtime girlfriends  
> -Lincoln is just a teammate to Daisy  
> -Fitz is - now they've made up - just a best friend to Jemma  
> -Bobbi is (to metaphorically borrow terminology from one of my other fandoms) Daisy and Jemma's vampire sister and sometimes-third  
> This is just my default for writing. The heterosexual romances on this show are, uh, not things I'm particularly keen on.

Bobbi,  
The monster can ta                                                    take, it can take Inhumans’ minds and it can control them and there’s no way to know if the monster has taken                                                   control unless you go in and do _neurosurgery_ or at least an                   autopsy (that awful one with the eyes that hurt                                      you and everyone, he got killed in the fight by Joey and his                               body was so warm and we did an autopsy and you could _see_ the monster just rolling around in his brain like a filmstrip virus) except             we tried to take samples from everyone and we were going to try to test them somehow

_Bobbi the monster                                   got in Daisy_

                                I mean I don’t know                           what else could have happened because she was            _fine_ and she was so furious that Coulson ordered lockdown without telling                 but he couldn’t because we didn’t know who it could      be of the team and she was trying to be but I don’t know _what_ she was trying to be                  because she she had been _possessed_ by this thing and

_Bobbi she                               is mine and I am hers and and I did                   not even guess that this was going on I had no idea I was                         too busy                         nattering away in the lab and making                  up with Fitz and worrying and feeling miserable and I wasn’t doing what I swore I was going                     to do I wasn’t protecting her or                   or anyone_

Fitz said something (we               were in his room working and it   actually felt _nice_ , not nice that we couldn’t do                           much but nice that it felt like old times or            something and I feel so awful noticing that when all these horrible things are                               going on) about how the monster couldn’t be       much, it couldn’t even get off the planet by itself and that’s not untrue but it can still              it can still do _awful_ things that none of us are ready to handle and it managed            to tear their Secret Warriors to pieces and it got into _Daisy_ beautiful Daisy who’s stronger than any of us and made her do things                        and she quaked the base so hard the ceiling shook and she just left?

Like none of us or none of this or nothing mattered?

And I know it’s not _her_ doing this, it’s the monster, I                                      don’t blame _her_ (Lincoln is taking it very personally, though) but I don’t know                what else to say or think or I’m just so

_Bobbi this is                         all my fault if I hadn’t got stuck up there they                 would never have brought the monster back and it never would have taken Ward’s treacherous body and it never would have invaded                         Daisy and I don’t know what the bloody tits I’m supposed to do about this_

I’ve got to figure out                                                    a way to fix this that’s the only thing I can do

I owe it to the world

I owe it to Daisy

I’m sorry. It might have to                 be Fitz or Mack who gets these letters to you if I can’t and Daisy is…

I’m going to help her                 beat this thing or I’m going to die trying. But just in case it winds up the            latter I’ll set up a backup system.

I’m sorry for all the tear         stains that make this look like awful modern poetry.

In case I don’t get to tell       you again, I love you. In that not-quite-romantic-but-more-than-friends way.            I’m going to make a point of telling everyone else                        this more often, too. But right now this is just for you.

Stay as far away from this                   as you can, Bobbi. I want to crawl into bed with you on one side and Daisy,         perfectly healthy, on the other and sleep for a week, but I        don’t want you anywhere near this.

J.


	5. give it to the knowing of flesh and blood, give it up, go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-3.18.

Bobbi,

She threatened she’d kill whoever tries to stop them, she threatened Fitz

_It’s not her talking she told him apparently that it was her clear and honest but it’s not it can’t be that’s not her she’s not like that she’d never do that she’s good and caring and she tries to help people not to hurt them and she’s wonderful and she can’t be herself because my Daisy would never do any of this_

But maybe she’s not my Daisy

Maybe she’s never been

I can’t claim her that's not fair but I thought maybe we belonged to each other, there’s been all of this nonsense but

I ought to be able to help her, we belong

I don’t even know anymore where anyone belongs and not-Ward, Hive, _it_ , the monster, he was talking to me like he was Will and it’s not that I even _loved_ Will, not in a lasting way anyway, I wouldn’t have loved him on Earth but it was strange and things happen (and you know that and Daisy knows that and Fitz knows that and everyone knows that), but he meant a lot to me and he _was_ the only tangible thing that kept me going up there and he was kind to me and he _died for me_ and to have the _monster_ throw his words back in my face and give me some pained speech about how he was glad to be able to tell me he just wanted me to be happy I felt like I was going to be sick

I shot him, Bobbi, May gave me a gun before we went on our stupid foolish mission and it didn’t do much good, he’ll heal, he’s a monster, but I shot him and it felt _good_ he got so close I could feel his disgusting breath (breath?) on my face and I was crying because I’m not strong I still cry but he was horrible and there was nothing good in him just words he stole and I shot him

If she kills me she kills me but I’m going to get that thing out of her. End of story.

J.


	6. I'm keeping track and hoping that you will follow instead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-3.19.

Bobbi,

She’s gone and hurt Mack this time.

He tried to help, to talk her out of it, and she nearly killed him. The state of him, after…

He and Fitz have both said she’s been… she’s been herself, but not. She’s saying things she’d never, but they make a sort of sense? About us pitying her, SHIELD manipulating her… it hurts because I understand why rational-Daisy would think that, or at least would have thought, about us, about…

Bobbi, I’m sick. We thought we might have a cure, but we didn’t have anyone to test it on, so Lincoln volunteered (he’s being so volatile) and Coulson said no because we said no, it wouldn’t be safe (“you’re not the only doctor” he said, looking at me, and I wanted to wipe the condescension off his face - he might have medical training but he didn’t _develop_ the bloody treatment) so he went and injected himself with it anyway and the _absolute idiot_ he could have _died_ all in the show of some stupid heroic act.

The cure doesn’t work, anyway. I took samples from him and the cure doesn’t work. Now he’s in lockdown acting like a bratty toddler until his immune system is recovered enough and I’m, we’re, back to square one and I’m so afraid.

You’d know what to do. You’d… I don’t know. You’d figure it out. If nothing else, you’d know how to help stop me panicking every time I’m alone and don’t have to hold it together. I miss you.

J.


	7. and when it all fucks up, you put your head in my hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-3.20.

Bobbi,

_She’s back my Daisy is back she’s fine she’s good he was going to drain her to make an army of mutant hellspawn with her blood but Lash, Andrew, he got that parasite out of her brain and her body and got her to the quinjet safely and Bobbi I am so relieved_

One of the other Inhumans, James who’s apparently got a flame chain like a cartoon character, killed him. Andrew. Drove the chain right through his chest. But Daisy brought his body back, and we can mourn him properly, and - he was still _in there_ , Bobbi, he _saved her_ , he spoke to her and he saved her and I want to cry but mostly it’s from relief, is that horrible? I’m mourning Andrew, of course I am, but he _saved Daisy_ and I’m never going to forgive myself entirely for letting him loose back at the castle where he killed those other Inhumans but the fact that he saved her makes it easier to bear, it’s selfish but it’s true _she’s back and she’s fine and we’re going to fix it_.

I haven’t got much time to scribble, what with planning to stop Hive building an army of mindfucked Inhumans and all, but I had to get it down. I’m so relieved.

J.


	8. I can only see you when I close my eyes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-3.22.

Bobbi,

Daisy is hurting so much. She’s so angry and so upset and she feels so horrible and she’s beating herself up so much and it’s awful. It is. Lincoln, he - he took the quinjet with Hive on it into space and exploded it and she’s so mad at herself for letting this happen, for letting him atone for her sins, what she sees as her sins, and she’s so _sad_ but it was that, or she was going to go up there herself. It’s horrible, it’s devastating. But Hive is gone and Daisy isn’t and… Bobbi, I don’t know what happens now but that’s something.

I’m going to sleep for a week. Or until the next crisis. Whichever comes first.

J.


End file.
